I have a friend whom I've known a long time. We've been friends for almost 13 years, and have gone through some rough spots, but I'm afraid we've hit a wall. She has a very spotty record with men. In my opinion, and from what I've seen, she's a terrible judge of character. She seems attracted to men who treat her like a doormat. I hate seeing her get her heart broken, but she never seems to learn. Her last relationship ended on Christmas day, and she had a new boyfriend by Valentine's day. After being with him for less than two months, they got engaged and decided to start looking to buy a house and plan a wedding for October.
Now, call me crazy, but that's ridiculous. She's only 27, she's young and pretty and relatively intelligent (I'm not sure I would go so far as to call her smart... harsh but true.) She's living at home, and has only lived away from home once in her life, when she was with an ex, who was a drug dealer in leiu of finding a real job and who kicked her out and never paid her back for the time and money she put into his house. She has an entry-level job, no college and seemingly no intent to attend, and for some reason thinks this is a great idea.
I tried to grin and bear it, but I couldn't. I don't see a friend's place as one of constant, unwavering, unquestioning support. That's what a mattress is for. I want my friends to call me out when I'm doing something stupid. Tell me that getting engaged after two months is a terrible idea. Let me know when I have a problem that needs to be addressed. Friends are not supposed to sit idly by and watch you trash your life on a stupid, reckless decision.
I'm not saying he's not the one for her. I'm not even saying she shouldn't marry him. What I can't figure out is why she can't wait. I got married fast, and while I don't in the least regret it, we took it in stages. We went on dates. We moved in together. We got to know each other's families. We both had much better dating records than she does. We got married at six months, which some people would call crazy, but we had a reason. We had both been engaged before, and had been in long, terrible relationships. I never wanted to be 'engaged' again. When I found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I wanted to get married. Neither of us had the money to spend on a wedding, nor did our families. We didn't want to put a burden on our families. We got married cheap and on the sly, and it was wonderful. Were we ready for it? Hell no! I had a panic attack that night, and not because I was a virgin bride. The reality of what I had done and what it meant for the rest of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. I would never be able to make a decision without, in one way or another, factoring him into it. My money, my time, my resources, NOTHING would be mine ever again. It's what I signed up for, but it's a huge thing to realize.
If I had it to do over, would I change it? I don't know. I don't believe in regrets, but sometimes I wish I had had a wedding, even a small one. I wish I had a wedding dress to pass on to my future daughter(s). Maybe I wish I'd had someone to talk me down and convince me that a real wedding would take into consideration the feelings and hopes of my friends and family.
I do believe in supporting and believing in the people I love, but I balance that with the idea that honesty is a necessary part of being in a loving relationship, be it a friendship or more. If you can't trust the people you love to tell you the truth, would you rather find it out the hard way? If I had married my ex, would she have just gone along with it, happy as can be, instead of saying, 'What the hell are you doing? This guy makes you miserable!'
I miss talking to her, but I know all she'll want to talk about is the wedding planning, and I just can't be ok with it. She barely knows this guy and she wants to buy a house and get married and just rush the entire process. I asked why she doesn't just wait, and she says 'It's what we want.' She swears she's not pregnant. A mutual friend says he can't see them actually lasting that long. I don't know if I hope it doesn't or hope it does. A lot of what I've seen online is people saying, 'Support your friends!' but I just can't buy into it. What kind of friend thinks you're making a terrible decision but just smiles and nods and never speaks up?
TxT
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